Fighting (and losing to) anxiety; looking ahead

There’s definitely something wrong with me.

Whenever an assignment comes up and I’m going through it, or whenever I’m doing some programming on something I love (e.g. my thesis), there’s nothing else going on in the world or around me. I forget to sleep, working late into the night, even after my brain has stopped working, even after the code before my eyes is as understandable as the data waterfalls from The Matrix. I forget to eat, sometimes filling up a plate for dinner and bringing it with me to the desk, only to take another look at my code and then set the plate aside, until it’s cold and needs reheating (probably for the 8th time that night). Even when I sleep, I tend to keep a notepad on the nightstand (a huge, very fluffy stuffed bear serves as that, next to my bed), so that I don’t forget any ideas that hit me right in my sleep when the morning comes.

I guess that’s made me really punctual with my assignments, and it’s bound to make my future employers very happy, as well as any future wife of mine really, really unhappy.

I’ve tried fighting it. I try to persuade myself that tomorrow’s another day. I know that if I get a good night’s sleep, code is going to make much more sense the next day. I’m going to see that missing semicolon that’s breaking my whole program. I’m going to find that crucial point in the code where just a minor change would improve the program’s whole performance. But it’s no use. It keeps happening.

And now there’s the GRE and TOEFL examinations coming, along with my 2 last subjects for my Computer Engineering diploma. Starting August 20 and until October 12, it’s going to be a really shitty period for me. Granted, I’ve been through exam periods where I had 8 and 9 subjects to go through, but for some reason, no matter how much friends try to persuade me otherwise, I’ve grown way too anxious about the GRE. It’s knowledge I know I have, and the fact that I picked a date in September means I have two more tries to pass it until the date applications for PhD programs are due in Decemeber.

So why the fuck am I still getting so anxious about all this?

Luckily, I had 4 days of holidays with friends, which helped get my mind off things. Now, it’s back to work. October 13 marks the day I have almost a year to just take some time off and relax, even find a job if I can. It’s up to me, and I thank my parents for working hard to give me that option. I really hope I could offer the same thing for my children some day, giving them that year of rest after 5 or 6 years of hard work, as they make plans, looking ahead to the rest of their lives.

It’s an exciting time for me, if anything.


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s